The Hardest Thing Ever

For me the hardest thing ever has been to love. Well I love my family, of course. My daughter has to date been the only woman whom I love unconditionally, according to one previous girlfriend. And if there was ever any doubt about loving myself, believe it never came from me. But I have never had much success when it comes to fostering long lasting romantic love bonds. Maybe I've gotten in my own way. I have had over the years some very hard and fast rules that I've lived by, that while keeping me safe and sanity intact, have kept the world at bay. It would take the love of someone who I hadn't even met physically to quell that.

She appeared as if out of a dream. Don't laugh. I know it sounds the most cliche of cliches. But truly, the woman of which I speak plain and simply saved my life. I've never expressed it to her quite like that. But in the span of a little over a year, she broke down walls of mistrust, barriers of disconsolate despondency that have long plagued my life. And all in an instant.

Then the strangest thing happened. Strange maybe to no one else, but this same woman was able to make me feel that same depth of despair from which she once resurrected me. My comeuppance I assume. Is there any other way to explain it? Years of dodging commitment, of brokering relationship failures, it seemed to be my time to be on the receiving end. And did I ever bear the brunt of torrents of emotion that I had never known to exist within me. And I thank her for it.

I still love this woman, deeply. Dare I say she is the embodiment of love. To breathe her in in every moment, in ever way, that is my dream. My vision. If she ever reads this, ever listens to the breeze that blows on solemn sun filled days, from my shore to hers, maybe she will know the strength she has given me. God alone bears more favour in my life.

Just my two cents....

Jah Courtney

LOVE? REALLY?

Day one of stop kidding myself. Seriously, I can't imagine putting myself through all of that again. Not that it was a waste of time by any means. Learned quite a bit about myself over the past year. Learned a lot about who and how I could be in a relationship. At least I think I did. But that moment for energy wasting is over. Will be a long time before that ever happens again. Still yet the blame rests squarely and solely on me. But it's good to be given a chance to exit now before making a complete ass of myself. Not that in some measure I don't feel like I already have. Just not again.

Just my two cents.....

Jah Courtney

Penny for My Thoughts

Was just thinking to myself early this morning that for all of what it's worth, everything that I've ever wanted, ever needed in a woman, was fashioned, in the infinite wisdom of the universe, into the likes of you. Think I've mentioned to you once before that it felt as though I've waited my entire life to meet you. And if I have to wait another lifetime to be with you the way we've envisioned, I pray that God favours me with the strength, wisdom and patience to seek out the serenity that you represent in my life. I love you now and want to always and forever and a day.

Just my two cents....

Finding Real Love Ain't Easy

It's true, finding a real true love isn't easy. These days I guess you can scour the internet, though the traditional ways of meeting people still work. For me, I wasn't really looking when I met her. I was sort of just doing that flirtatious, cock in the hen house thing. But damn if the minute I met her I didn't know right away. Weird you might think. But the only thing strange to me was that it felt like for the first time in my life, I was present in the moment. Imagine a life of dealing with woman and never really feeling like you were involved in the day to day reality of that union. I mean of course I was around physically, but I never made myself emotionally or spiritually available to any of those woman before her.

She asked me once, "What is so special bout me?" I was surprised that it wasn't as clear to her as it was to me. Her spirit contained the breath of new life. I say that because I have never heard more people say to me since meeting her, just how much more human and I assume humane I seemed these last few months. Damn, that's bad. I mean, I thought I might have been a prick at times, and I know that's nothing to be proud of. But to not even seem human. To have no memorable qualities outside of a functional flesh bot. That's just sad.

Well anyway, to not get too long winded, I guess plenty of people, including myself, tend to write about love and the subject of love and relationships after the fact. So here we are. I think the only time I've ever felt this crappy after a break up was when I was a kid and felt unwanted. Yes it turns out that as a man I do actually have feelings, even if I tend to not let them rise to the surface. Still in a bit of a funk cause I really still do care about her. Been told it was my fault and for the first time I'll accept that. Lot of firsts with her. And I am very thankful for all of it. But getting back, I feel a sense of emptiness that I've never understood before and probably disregarded oft times when an old girlfriend would tell me she felt the same. Yeah the days do go on and sure after a while things get easier. But I didn't ask for this. Truly not what I wanted.

Maybe God does have other plans for me. I mean I know in fact that God has other plans for me. Was only praying that whatever my future plans, she would have been part of them. Part of them in ways friends alone could never be. But again, I do thank God that he brought her into my life in the first. She made me feel loved in a way I have never known. It complimented Gods' love in perfect balance.

Just my two cents...

Jah Courtney

Sometimes you realize at the end of the day just how many lives you've touched, some with hugs others bruises. Not really sure what led me down this road, destroying relationships, damaging friendships. Not even sure I know how to make it up to those who entrusted me with their love and friendship. I do know that there is still a whole heap of love in this heart of mine. Took the love of a real good woman and a few close friends for me to see that I'm not the inhuman, non-emotional entity that I have been living like for far too long.

Just my two cents.....

Jah Courtney