The Hardest Thing Ever

For me the hardest thing ever has been to love. Well I love my family, of course. My daughter has to date been the only woman whom I love unconditionally, according to one previous girlfriend. And if there was ever any doubt about loving myself, believe it never came from me. But I have never had much success when it comes to fostering long lasting romantic love bonds. Maybe I've gotten in my own way. I have had over the years some very hard and fast rules that I've lived by, that while keeping me safe and sanity intact, have kept the world at bay. It would take the love of someone who I hadn't even met physically to quell that.

She appeared as if out of a dream. Don't laugh. I know it sounds the most cliche of cliches. But truly, the woman of which I speak plain and simply saved my life. I've never expressed it to her quite like that. But in the span of a little over a year, she broke down walls of mistrust, barriers of disconsolate despondency that have long plagued my life. And all in an instant.

Then the strangest thing happened. Strange maybe to no one else, but this same woman was able to make me feel that same depth of despair from which she once resurrected me. My comeuppance I assume. Is there any other way to explain it? Years of dodging commitment, of brokering relationship failures, it seemed to be my time to be on the receiving end. And did I ever bear the brunt of torrents of emotion that I had never known to exist within me. And I thank her for it.

I still love this woman, deeply. Dare I say she is the embodiment of love. To breathe her in in every moment, in ever way, that is my dream. My vision. If she ever reads this, ever listens to the breeze that blows on solemn sun filled days, from my shore to hers, maybe she will know the strength she has given me. God alone bears more favour in my life.

Just my two cents....

Jah Courtney

Finding Real Love Ain't Easy

It's true, finding a real true love isn't easy. These days I guess you can scour the internet, though the traditional ways of meeting people still work. For me, I wasn't really looking when I met her. I was sort of just doing that flirtatious, cock in the hen house thing. But damn if the minute I met her I didn't know right away. Weird you might think. But the only thing strange to me was that it felt like for the first time in my life, I was present in the moment. Imagine a life of dealing with woman and never really feeling like you were involved in the day to day reality of that union. I mean of course I was around physically, but I never made myself emotionally or spiritually available to any of those woman before her.

She asked me once, "What is so special bout me?" I was surprised that it wasn't as clear to her as it was to me. Her spirit contained the breath of new life. I say that because I have never heard more people say to me since meeting her, just how much more human and I assume humane I seemed these last few months. Damn, that's bad. I mean, I thought I might have been a prick at times, and I know that's nothing to be proud of. But to not even seem human. To have no memorable qualities outside of a functional flesh bot. That's just sad.

Well anyway, to not get too long winded, I guess plenty of people, including myself, tend to write about love and the subject of love and relationships after the fact. So here we are. I think the only time I've ever felt this crappy after a break up was when I was a kid and felt unwanted. Yes it turns out that as a man I do actually have feelings, even if I tend to not let them rise to the surface. Still in a bit of a funk cause I really still do care about her. Been told it was my fault and for the first time I'll accept that. Lot of firsts with her. And I am very thankful for all of it. But getting back, I feel a sense of emptiness that I've never understood before and probably disregarded oft times when an old girlfriend would tell me she felt the same. Yeah the days do go on and sure after a while things get easier. But I didn't ask for this. Truly not what I wanted.

Maybe God does have other plans for me. I mean I know in fact that God has other plans for me. Was only praying that whatever my future plans, she would have been part of them. Part of them in ways friends alone could never be. But again, I do thank God that he brought her into my life in the first. She made me feel loved in a way I have never known. It complimented Gods' love in perfect balance.

Just my two cents...

Jah Courtney

Love Is...

Love is all at once the most wonderful and most devastating of all God's mysteries. On any level and in any form: it can break apart families or create new ones. In an instant new worlds are begun and old ones shattered into a myriad of pieces that no amount of love can return to form. Who can say that they have never known pain from love and I say that that Man has never known love.

Have you love for the Man or Woman who begs humbly in the road for a piece of spare change? When was the last time you said no? When was the last time you cleaned out the junk from your car seats? Enough spare change there to feed a child in a far off land.

Have you love for the child who never has known a moment of love from any of the hundreds of parents that each year bemoan the extra tax payments for these poor children? These welfare kids? When was the last time you noticed exactly how much extra spare cents went missing from your check? When was the last time it meant the difference between you eating or going hungry for a week?

Love is a funny thing. Yes it is indeed. Too often we only associate romantic love and oft times it is the only love we desire. But give me the touch of an honest Woman's words, the aroma from a home which is settling in to Sunday dinner, the full tank surprise on Monday morning when you are on the way to work. Give me my child whose words sting with truth and whose heart comforts in a way she understands not yet.

I love. I love. I LOVE.